I forgot

They say that one of God's gifts to us, as women and mothers, is the gift of forgetting. We forget how it feels during the first trimester. We forget the pain of giving birth. We forget how it feels to be so sleep deprived you wouldn't notice if you were drinking regular milk or breast milk (not that I have first hand experience with that particular one.) But we forget. Now that I am going through it, I remember it quite vividly and I know just why I HATE HATE HATE the first trimester.

Yes, I am truly grateful for being here. Yes, I am excited to know what it all means. Yes, I know that it will be worth it in the end (at least that is what I am hoping.) But WHY? WHY? WHY? Why do I have to feel so rotten?!?! I actually have the opposite of morning sickness. I actually feel pretty decent upon waking. Enough, that I know if I hurry, get into my swimsuit and off to the pool, I can probably get in an hour of laps before it all sets in. Once I have something in my stomach, the day is shot. I spend the rest of the day hovering around the great white throne praying that I won't and will throw up all at the same time. I have tried the meds for anti-nausea, I am one of the lucky ones that isn't affected by them one little bit. :) So, I get to suffer through it. I really am trying to be grateful for the sickness. Because it is certainly a reassurance that there is a little baby growing in there. But I am tired of holding down the couch. ;)

Okay, enough complaining. I just had to get that off my chest.

Today my youngest walked over to where I was laying on the couch and gave me a great big hug and kiss. She said, "Mom, thank you for growing my new baby sister in your tummy." HAHAHA, everyone in my household (except for my hubby, perhaps) is hoping for another girl. I really would be okay either way, but I do feel it is a girl. So we will see.

I started my lovenox injections last night. I forgot just how much those buggers sting. I didn't miss that part of pregnancy either. Lovenox is a blood thinner. Not sure that we really NEED it, but I am taking it more as a precaution due to how things looked with my placenta in my second pregnancy. It was full of clots and had mostly detached by the time they did the c-section. My last doctors prescribed it for my last pregnancy and since we had a good outcome and were comfortable with the regimen we decided to do it again. I must have done okay with the first shot last night as my tummy isn't blue. :) Yes, I do give myself the shots. I figured if I do it then I can control how quickly the stinging medicine goes in.

I was talking with my little sister today about the baby.... she has now decided she no longer believes it is a boy and also thinks I am going to have a girl. It is kind of funny though because as I was doing my laps at the pool today I was trying to think of names. There were a couple of things that happened with that. First of all, I can't come up with any boy names. Is that because the baby is really a girl? Is it because I have only had girls and therefore believe I am not capable of making a boy? who knows. But the other thing that crosses my mind is that I cannot actually see myself with another baby.

As I allowed myself to think about that for a little bit I was reminded of my last pregnancy. My last pregnancy was the first after losing our daughter Kelsi. As I mentioned before, Kelsi was born at only 24 weeks gestation. She was the size of a 21 week baby. When I got pregnant with Kate, I was elated and it was very healing. We found out I was pregnant just 4 weeks before Kelsi's 1st birthday. We had been trying for months and I was on my third round of Clomid. However, my guard was high. I never even allowed myself the possibility of actually bringing a live baby home again. It is an awful way to go through a pregnancy. So many fears. While I tried to enjoy the pregnancy, the kicks, the movement, after going through what I have, you do nothing but live in fear. You are just waiting. Waiting for that first test result to confirm what you are waiting for....even if you wait the entire pregnancy, you *know* it is coming. From the very beginning of the pregnancy, just as my new doctor is, my appointments were every 2 weeks. Starting at around 16 - 18 I will be seen weekly and there will be an ultrasound at each one. You would think that with care such as this, and seeing every week that things are looking good, that you could relax a little. But again, the reason for the weekly testing is because you are waiting.

So, can I not actually see myself with another baby because that is truly the fate of this pregnancy? Or is it because my guard is up high again? I sincerely hope it is the latter. I know, everyone tells me things are going to be okay.... but nobody really knows that and I feel they say it to make themselves feel better, because it will certainly never make me feel that way. I usually just smile and say, "thanks."

Being pregnant after a loss, no matter how soon or late the loss happened is awful. The innocence is gone. Even after having Kate all the worries and fears are there. I had a blessing when I was pregnant with Kelsi. I was told I would have a healthy baby. I didn't understand how I could possibly have a healthy baby when she ended up dying. But I didn't understand at that time that my healthy baby wasn't Kelsi, it was Kate. The blessing never said anything about healthy BABIES, only baby. I have to say that is one of the reasons we had decided we were done. It was almost as though we were tempting fate. We had been promised a healthy baby and we received her. But were we pushing our luck to try again? Kate's pregnancy was truly a miracle pregnancy. We go into my pregnancies with a laundry list of complications and not one of them happened in her pregnancy. Sadly, I don't have the faith that I will be quite so lucky this time around. I am hopeful, as I know it is possible, but I don't think I will hold my breath. I just pray that I will be bringing this baby home alive, even if it is after a NICU (hopefully short) stay.

Sorry, I know this is wordy, but then again, I guess you don't *have* to read it all. But it is nice to get this out there. I know it is somewhat gloomy to think about, but it is the reality of a mother that has lost a child. Thanks for your understanding.

~Melissa~

I Like that Doctor

First I want to say, thank you so much for coming to this blog. I really appreciate the love and support. Welcome to the new members that have and are walking that horrible path of infertility and pregnancy loss. I know how hard it is and hope that you will all be able to hold your own little one soon.

I just got done meeting with my new doctor. He is a Perinatologist, the uber high-risk OB. He is a total sweetheart and I think I am going to like him a lot. We talked about my past history and treatment plans and he seems to be on board with what I have done in the past and we decided to continue in the same manner.

They did an ultrasound and the baby is measuring perfectly at 6 weeks 5 days. PERFECTLY! And there was the most beautiful little flutter right in the middle of that tiny little baby. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF* HUGE!!!!

I will start my Lovenox injections tonight after I go pick them up from the Pharmacy (black and blue tummy, here I come.) I will continue on with my prenatal, baby aspirin and folic acid. Because of the Rh Antibody he will start seeing me weekly at 18 weeks and we will do ultrasounds on the baby to see if it is distressed. Basically we are checking to see if the baby becomes anemic. When a mother has an Rh Antibody my blood cells begin to attack the baby (if the baby is Rh+) so the baby then becomes anemic. The way to treat this is to transfuse the baby with a negative blood type. It is all done inutero which is just simply amazing.

Sadly, he did say that if my Rh Titer was over 1:8 I cannot go to Indonesia because I will be about 20 weeks along and he will start testing before that. I already KNOW my titer is higher than that so the trip is off. :( *Sniff Sniff* Oh well, more money to spend here. HAHAHA :)

I asked about my jewelry and if I would be able to continue working with some of my techniques. He knows A LOT and apparently, I am the first to ever present this one to him. So he said he will do some research and get back to me. But I have done some of my own research and I think it would be best to play it safe and I won't be doing much soldering. I may get some non-lead bearing enamels and continue to work with those. He thought that should be okay.

I asked about the delivery and he said we are shooting for 37 weeks with a mature amnio. But if I do the same that I did last time and have contractions that can't be stopped then we deliver at that time.

He said he wasn't worried about the number and types of c-sections that I have had and because I am healthy he isn't worried about my age as a factor of anything (I will be 34 next Friday.)

At the end of the appointment he gave me a great big hug. I LOVE THIS GUY!

When we were there we saw a little tiny baby that was probably 2 or 3 weeks old.... now I am getting excited. :) I am just fighting my head and the fears that linger.

Now if only the ALL DAY Sickness would just go away and leave me alone. :) Oh well, if it means I am pregnant and things are going smoothly, I guess I will take it and enjoy it as it is most likely the last time I will ever do it.

Thanks again everyone for the prayers, love and support.

~Melissa~

Oh so sick

That is actually a good thing. Yesterday was king of not so good. I woke up and was feeling better and I had a loss of other symptoms. That is never a good thing. This is my 4th pregnancy and I have NEVER had it where I just up and lost a symptom.

I finally got a hold of the doctors office this morning and they said that my numbers doubled just as they should, though they didn't tell me the numbers. I have my first appointment with the doctor on Thursday afternoon. I wish they could see me sooner, but I guess I will just have to be patient a little while longer. That is kind of hard as my "work" is now on hold until I can ask him what he thinks about me continuing with soldering and enameling. I am also dying to ask him about booking my trip to Indonesia. I guess it is a good thing that we hadn't booked the tickets yet.... we were just about to do it last week when we got other news. :) HAHA

So for now, I wish I would actually throw up, but I never do. I am so stinking tired, but I think that is more because I am not sleeping well at night. Guess I Should just get used to that one.

I am excited to meet with the doctors and nervous all at the same time. I am really hoping they will continue with my regimen from my last pregnancy as I really felt that nothing could possibly be missed. Of course I was at the doctors office every other week from 16 weeks until 20 and every week from there. I had an ultrasound at every appointment....which was kind of handy in making sure that Kate was really a girl and we wouldn't all of the sudden deliver a boy at the end. ;)

Okay, I am off to bed even though it is only 8:00 pm. Perhaps we will just watch movies on my iTouch and chew on preggie pops. Good night and I will update again on Thursday if not before then.

You can't be serious!

Hi and Welcome to my personal blog. I figured this would be a good way to keep people updated about the pregnancy and my family life and would be able to keep my Jewelry Blog about the arts.

On Wednesday, June 16, I went in for some testing. I have been experiencing symptoms of hypothyroidism and even early menopause. I went to the doctor the week before and they decided to send me in for some testing on the uterus to make certain it was looking okay. After talking with my husband about that a bit more, what they were really doing is checking for things like tumors, cysts and cancer. I was actually prepared to have them tell me it was one of the three.

As the tech was performing the exam she asked if they had run a pregnancy test. A little surprised by the question, I asked, "Why, is there a baby in there?" She said it kind of looked like there might be a very early pregnancy. She thought she could see a sac. Upon a more in-depth exam, she confirmed that there was indeed a sac. She couldn't see a baby or heartbeat yet, so it was VERY early. Only 5 weeks 4 days. She did tel me that it could, of course, be nothing more than a cyst, but she didn't think so.

My head was just spinning. I met up with my husband for lunch and told him the news. Of course as I was telling him, it started to hit what another pregnancy really meant. This is my 4th pregnancy. My first, a daughter that is now 10 years old, went pretty well until about 37 weeks when I developed Preeclampsia. I recovered nicely from that and didn't really think about things related to pregnancy complications again.

My second child was also a surprise baby. Again, I had gone in for some unrelated testing. I had actually taken a pregnancy test two days prior to that appointment and it was negative. Well, it was positive at the doctors office. Come to find out, I was only about 12 days post gestation. Nothing like finding out right at the very beginning. :) HA! Well, that pregnancy was nothing like my first. It was riddled with complications. At 16 weeks we got the first glimpse of something not quite right. My blood work came back abnormal and there was blood in the amniotic fluid. My blood pressure went up and by 23 weeks I was diagnosed with Severe Preeclampsia. My sweet little baby was born at 24 weeks weighing only 13 oz and measuring only 8 1/2" long. She was the sweetest little thing you have ever seen....even if she did look like a little alien baby. :) She was born on December 30, 2004 and passed away in my hands on January 1, 2005.

My Third pregnancy was probably my easiest physical pregnancy but by far the hardest of the three mentally. She will be 4 next month and was born at 36 weeks via c-section because of pre-term labor that couldn't be stopped.

So that brings us to the 4th pregnancy. I am excited and scared to death all at the same time. Since the birth of my 3rd child I have become a metalsmith and I teach these techniques. I am waiting to get some of my blood work back now to see if the doctor will allow me to continue work in this field, but my hopes aren't high. There are too many dangerous chemicals and elements that I work with. So I may be changing my focus for the next few months.

Things I am excited about:
*baby toes and fingers*
*little coos*
*seeing my girls with a new baby*
*the smell of a baby right after they get out of the bath*
*discovering the world all over again*
*the 2nd trimester* :) Can we just be there already?

Things I am nervous about:
*The underlying conditions and list of complications*
*Not being with the doctors I love and trust from before*
*Being so far away from my friends and support system in VA - Those people were there for me every step of the way from Kelsi's death to the birth of my 3rd.*

Well, at any rate, we are on the train now and here we go. :)