I forgot

They say that one of God's gifts to us, as women and mothers, is the gift of forgetting. We forget how it feels during the first trimester. We forget the pain of giving birth. We forget how it feels to be so sleep deprived you wouldn't notice if you were drinking regular milk or breast milk (not that I have first hand experience with that particular one.) But we forget. Now that I am going through it, I remember it quite vividly and I know just why I HATE HATE HATE the first trimester.

Yes, I am truly grateful for being here. Yes, I am excited to know what it all means. Yes, I know that it will be worth it in the end (at least that is what I am hoping.) But WHY? WHY? WHY? Why do I have to feel so rotten?!?! I actually have the opposite of morning sickness. I actually feel pretty decent upon waking. Enough, that I know if I hurry, get into my swimsuit and off to the pool, I can probably get in an hour of laps before it all sets in. Once I have something in my stomach, the day is shot. I spend the rest of the day hovering around the great white throne praying that I won't and will throw up all at the same time. I have tried the meds for anti-nausea, I am one of the lucky ones that isn't affected by them one little bit. :) So, I get to suffer through it. I really am trying to be grateful for the sickness. Because it is certainly a reassurance that there is a little baby growing in there. But I am tired of holding down the couch. ;)

Okay, enough complaining. I just had to get that off my chest.

Today my youngest walked over to where I was laying on the couch and gave me a great big hug and kiss. She said, "Mom, thank you for growing my new baby sister in your tummy." HAHAHA, everyone in my household (except for my hubby, perhaps) is hoping for another girl. I really would be okay either way, but I do feel it is a girl. So we will see.

I started my lovenox injections last night. I forgot just how much those buggers sting. I didn't miss that part of pregnancy either. Lovenox is a blood thinner. Not sure that we really NEED it, but I am taking it more as a precaution due to how things looked with my placenta in my second pregnancy. It was full of clots and had mostly detached by the time they did the c-section. My last doctors prescribed it for my last pregnancy and since we had a good outcome and were comfortable with the regimen we decided to do it again. I must have done okay with the first shot last night as my tummy isn't blue. :) Yes, I do give myself the shots. I figured if I do it then I can control how quickly the stinging medicine goes in.

I was talking with my little sister today about the baby.... she has now decided she no longer believes it is a boy and also thinks I am going to have a girl. It is kind of funny though because as I was doing my laps at the pool today I was trying to think of names. There were a couple of things that happened with that. First of all, I can't come up with any boy names. Is that because the baby is really a girl? Is it because I have only had girls and therefore believe I am not capable of making a boy? who knows. But the other thing that crosses my mind is that I cannot actually see myself with another baby.

As I allowed myself to think about that for a little bit I was reminded of my last pregnancy. My last pregnancy was the first after losing our daughter Kelsi. As I mentioned before, Kelsi was born at only 24 weeks gestation. She was the size of a 21 week baby. When I got pregnant with Kate, I was elated and it was very healing. We found out I was pregnant just 4 weeks before Kelsi's 1st birthday. We had been trying for months and I was on my third round of Clomid. However, my guard was high. I never even allowed myself the possibility of actually bringing a live baby home again. It is an awful way to go through a pregnancy. So many fears. While I tried to enjoy the pregnancy, the kicks, the movement, after going through what I have, you do nothing but live in fear. You are just waiting. Waiting for that first test result to confirm what you are waiting for....even if you wait the entire pregnancy, you *know* it is coming. From the very beginning of the pregnancy, just as my new doctor is, my appointments were every 2 weeks. Starting at around 16 - 18 I will be seen weekly and there will be an ultrasound at each one. You would think that with care such as this, and seeing every week that things are looking good, that you could relax a little. But again, the reason for the weekly testing is because you are waiting.

So, can I not actually see myself with another baby because that is truly the fate of this pregnancy? Or is it because my guard is up high again? I sincerely hope it is the latter. I know, everyone tells me things are going to be okay.... but nobody really knows that and I feel they say it to make themselves feel better, because it will certainly never make me feel that way. I usually just smile and say, "thanks."

Being pregnant after a loss, no matter how soon or late the loss happened is awful. The innocence is gone. Even after having Kate all the worries and fears are there. I had a blessing when I was pregnant with Kelsi. I was told I would have a healthy baby. I didn't understand how I could possibly have a healthy baby when she ended up dying. But I didn't understand at that time that my healthy baby wasn't Kelsi, it was Kate. The blessing never said anything about healthy BABIES, only baby. I have to say that is one of the reasons we had decided we were done. It was almost as though we were tempting fate. We had been promised a healthy baby and we received her. But were we pushing our luck to try again? Kate's pregnancy was truly a miracle pregnancy. We go into my pregnancies with a laundry list of complications and not one of them happened in her pregnancy. Sadly, I don't have the faith that I will be quite so lucky this time around. I am hopeful, as I know it is possible, but I don't think I will hold my breath. I just pray that I will be bringing this baby home alive, even if it is after a NICU (hopefully short) stay.

Sorry, I know this is wordy, but then again, I guess you don't *have* to read it all. But it is nice to get this out there. I know it is somewhat gloomy to think about, but it is the reality of a mother that has lost a child. Thanks for your understanding.

~Melissa~