Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I forgot

They say that one of God's gifts to us, as women and mothers, is the gift of forgetting. We forget how it feels during the first trimester. We forget the pain of giving birth. We forget how it feels to be so sleep deprived you wouldn't notice if you were drinking regular milk or breast milk (not that I have first hand experience with that particular one.) But we forget. Now that I am going through it, I remember it quite vividly and I know just why I HATE HATE HATE the first trimester.

Yes, I am truly grateful for being here. Yes, I am excited to know what it all means. Yes, I know that it will be worth it in the end (at least that is what I am hoping.) But WHY? WHY? WHY? Why do I have to feel so rotten?!?! I actually have the opposite of morning sickness. I actually feel pretty decent upon waking. Enough, that I know if I hurry, get into my swimsuit and off to the pool, I can probably get in an hour of laps before it all sets in. Once I have something in my stomach, the day is shot. I spend the rest of the day hovering around the great white throne praying that I won't and will throw up all at the same time. I have tried the meds for anti-nausea, I am one of the lucky ones that isn't affected by them one little bit. :) So, I get to suffer through it. I really am trying to be grateful for the sickness. Because it is certainly a reassurance that there is a little baby growing in there. But I am tired of holding down the couch. ;)

Okay, enough complaining. I just had to get that off my chest.

Today my youngest walked over to where I was laying on the couch and gave me a great big hug and kiss. She said, "Mom, thank you for growing my new baby sister in your tummy." HAHAHA, everyone in my household (except for my hubby, perhaps) is hoping for another girl. I really would be okay either way, but I do feel it is a girl. So we will see.

I started my lovenox injections last night. I forgot just how much those buggers sting. I didn't miss that part of pregnancy either. Lovenox is a blood thinner. Not sure that we really NEED it, but I am taking it more as a precaution due to how things looked with my placenta in my second pregnancy. It was full of clots and had mostly detached by the time they did the c-section. My last doctors prescribed it for my last pregnancy and since we had a good outcome and were comfortable with the regimen we decided to do it again. I must have done okay with the first shot last night as my tummy isn't blue. :) Yes, I do give myself the shots. I figured if I do it then I can control how quickly the stinging medicine goes in.

I was talking with my little sister today about the baby.... she has now decided she no longer believes it is a boy and also thinks I am going to have a girl. It is kind of funny though because as I was doing my laps at the pool today I was trying to think of names. There were a couple of things that happened with that. First of all, I can't come up with any boy names. Is that because the baby is really a girl? Is it because I have only had girls and therefore believe I am not capable of making a boy? who knows. But the other thing that crosses my mind is that I cannot actually see myself with another baby.

As I allowed myself to think about that for a little bit I was reminded of my last pregnancy. My last pregnancy was the first after losing our daughter Kelsi. As I mentioned before, Kelsi was born at only 24 weeks gestation. She was the size of a 21 week baby. When I got pregnant with Kate, I was elated and it was very healing. We found out I was pregnant just 4 weeks before Kelsi's 1st birthday. We had been trying for months and I was on my third round of Clomid. However, my guard was high. I never even allowed myself the possibility of actually bringing a live baby home again. It is an awful way to go through a pregnancy. So many fears. While I tried to enjoy the pregnancy, the kicks, the movement, after going through what I have, you do nothing but live in fear. You are just waiting. Waiting for that first test result to confirm what you are waiting for....even if you wait the entire pregnancy, you *know* it is coming. From the very beginning of the pregnancy, just as my new doctor is, my appointments were every 2 weeks. Starting at around 16 - 18 I will be seen weekly and there will be an ultrasound at each one. You would think that with care such as this, and seeing every week that things are looking good, that you could relax a little. But again, the reason for the weekly testing is because you are waiting.

So, can I not actually see myself with another baby because that is truly the fate of this pregnancy? Or is it because my guard is up high again? I sincerely hope it is the latter. I know, everyone tells me things are going to be okay.... but nobody really knows that and I feel they say it to make themselves feel better, because it will certainly never make me feel that way. I usually just smile and say, "thanks."

Being pregnant after a loss, no matter how soon or late the loss happened is awful. The innocence is gone. Even after having Kate all the worries and fears are there. I had a blessing when I was pregnant with Kelsi. I was told I would have a healthy baby. I didn't understand how I could possibly have a healthy baby when she ended up dying. But I didn't understand at that time that my healthy baby wasn't Kelsi, it was Kate. The blessing never said anything about healthy BABIES, only baby. I have to say that is one of the reasons we had decided we were done. It was almost as though we were tempting fate. We had been promised a healthy baby and we received her. But were we pushing our luck to try again? Kate's pregnancy was truly a miracle pregnancy. We go into my pregnancies with a laundry list of complications and not one of them happened in her pregnancy. Sadly, I don't have the faith that I will be quite so lucky this time around. I am hopeful, as I know it is possible, but I don't think I will hold my breath. I just pray that I will be bringing this baby home alive, even if it is after a NICU (hopefully short) stay.

Sorry, I know this is wordy, but then again, I guess you don't *have* to read it all. But it is nice to get this out there. I know it is somewhat gloomy to think about, but it is the reality of a mother that has lost a child. Thanks for your understanding.



  1. Beanie, you are just scared, and understandably so. I can't imagine how I would feel if I were in your shoes, and believe me, after all of the words I've already eaten when it comes to you, I am TRYING to understand how it would feel to be in your shoes.

    I know that everyone tells you it will be okay, but I don't say that to make ME feel better. I really do feel like everything will be okay. The difference between this pregnancy and the one with Kelsi is you know up front what kinds of things to watch out for and you can be proactive from the get-go, which is exactly what you are doing.

    It isn't like you to focus on the negative. You are a fighter, and you know what? I learned how to be a fighter by watching you. I am not kidding. I saw what you went through with Kelsi, and I saw how it changed you. You took your time to grieve your loss and then you used something terrible and turned it into something healing, not just for you, but for others too.

    Keep one thing in mind as you go forward, this baby is fighting and thriving in there, and it needs you to do the same. Don't give up. Don't wait for the other shoe to drop. Send it everything positive you can, and let the negative thoughts and emotions go. I know it will be hard, but I know you can do it because I know you, and you are a serious fighter.

    I might never have told you this, but I look up to you so much a big part of who I am is because of you. I handled my infertility the way I did because I saw the way you handled losing Kelsi. I learned it by watching you (all right?). <- Little joke there, sorry 'bout that.

    Look inside you and pull that fighter out that I know is in there.

  2. Thank you Shelly. I appreciate your thoughts and comments. It isn't that I am being negative or focusing on the negative, but rather putting out there what my honest feelings and fears are. These are th things that I truly feel but never get the chance to say because as soon as I do, I get repremanded on howvi shouldn't feel like that and need to be more positive. Being more positive is fine, and I will be, but it doesn't make the fears any less. If that makes any sense.

    It is almost like just after Kelsi was born and I was still so suck and didn't get to see her at first. Whenever any one would come through the door, all I could think was "please don't tell me she died." I was anxious to hear how she was doing, and I was praying and hoping for the best, but I was still worried about what could happen.

    So please don't think I am focusing on the negative. I don't mean to at all, I just figured I could use this post to put my true feelings and fears out there. It is a constant battle between my hopes and fears when it comes to being pregnant. That is one of the other reasons I was kind of done having babies. The pregnancy is such a mental trip anymore.

    I really am excited to be having another baby. I really do hope that things go well. And at the same time, I am trying to prepare myself for whatever outcome we have. If course being as sick as I am right now is not helping the positive thinking one little bit. Hahaha. Perhaps if the room would stop spinning and I could keep my tummy contents in my tummy then I could be a little more chipper. ;)

    I love you!!!

  3. Dang iPod. It changed some of my spelling. Grrrrrr

    sorry for the typos

  4. Oh, Melissa, my heart just breaks for you. I can't imagine what you are going through. You have so much strength, probably more than you think you do, and such an inspiration. I'm definitely thinking and praying for you. (((HUGS)))

  5. Well, the best part about being your sister is that I can be 100% positive and excited for you while you sort through your feelings and emotions. I know this is scary for you, and I am here for you every step of the way. Like I said, I am trying to think carefully before I speak because eating my words is getting kind of old. LOL

    I love you loads and loads.

    P.S. Twondra is one of my very best bloggy friends. I LOVE her and her husband to pieces. Adam and I have offered to make embies for them. That should tell you something. :)

  6. P.P.S. You should join comment week here. It is so awesome because you get to meet all sorts of new bloggy friends. http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/07/icomleavwe-july-2010/ I am going to sign up this month.

  7. My heart aches for you:-( I too have walked through a loss as well as two complication filled pregnancies. You are so right, the innocence is lost, and you always feel like you are waiting for the next complication. There are no words that I can say that will take the fear away, but know that you and your little miracle baby are in my thoughts and prayers and I will be praying for FULL TERM FAT and NO COMPLICATIONS!!!!

  8. Voicing your feelings and concerns is a good thing. Knowing life is lived one day (or moment) at a time, can only keep you grounded and centered in faith. My prayers and joy for you abound!!

    Lauren Miller

  9. Thanks Towanda, I actually replied to you, but something happened and the stupid thing didn't post. ;)

    Shelly, I joined up. Let's see if I can get myself feeling well enough to actually post here on my blog. ;)

    Momma, Thank you. I am also hoping for full term, or at least as close to it as I can.

    Thanks for the prayers Lauren. They mean a lot to me. :)