Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Where have I been?

well, I am still here. I haven't wanted to post on my blog because I feel that all I do is complain about how miserable things are. Sadly, that is still where things stand. I am still fighting to keep my meals down and every now and then lose the battle.

One thing that has also started is awful headaches. They are not normal headaches that will be phased by ty.lenol, oh no! They are the kind that put you in bed and you are hard pressed to do anything else. Sunday is when they started. My poor husband. He has such a hard time watching me go through all of this. Sunday, I had finally just broken down and began crying. Luckily, I married such a great guy and he found a 24-hour pharmacy (no where close to home, mind you) and got me some meeds to help the headache. The headaches are still lingering but at least they aren't as bad as Sunday. On top of that, my blood pressure has begun to rise.

Normally these two things wouldn't be a HUGE deal, but they are happening in the same timeline as my pregnancy with Kelsi. My bp going up is happening similar to Riley's pregnancy. Both of those pregnancies are the ones where I developed Preeclampsia. I am trying so hard to keep my mind off of things like this and hope for the best. I am trying really hard to make myself believe that these two things don't really mean anything, but it is hard to not have them going through my head.

My girls are being great. They don't clean house like I would like them to, but they do try to stay occupied and quiet so I can rest. My mom is on an airplane as I type this. Sadly, she will only be here until Sunday, but it will be great to have her here all the same. She is always so helpful when she comes.

Oh, and today I got a visitor at about 10:00 am. One of my friends from church had just found out that I was expecting and brought me a freezer meal. she was impressed that I actually had a stocked fridge and freezer.... of course that Only happened because I went shopping yesterday. ;) But that was the nicest thing for someone to do. She said she just knew how it was for her when she was pregnant. She said her fridge was always empty. I need to remember to do more things like this for other people when I am feeling better. I know how much it means to me when people think of me, I can't wait to repay the favor. :)

Hope everyone is doing well. <3

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Just a Little Rant

Now that I am expecting again, I have joined an expecting club on-line. I have done this with the last three pregnancies and typically found it pretty helpful and fun as you can really gripe about all the good and bad things that accompany a pregnancy. Well, sad as it is, losses are a part of pregnancy. True, it doesn't happen to everyone...thank goodness for that too. But There was a thread started on the board by another mom that has lost a child. She called it PAL's (Pregnant after a Loss) She started it as a place for those of us that have lost children to talk and support each other. She started the thread by saying what the thread was about and hoped that it would be okay and people wouldn't mind having it there.

So this thread has been there for a few days. There are three of us that have had later term pregnancies (like 20+ weeks) and we have all shared our stories with each other and offered our support to each other. That is great! Well Yesterday there was a girl that posted on the thread getting all upset how she didn't know what PAL's was, so she clicked on it to see what it was about. Now, keep in mind, the first sentence says what the whole thing is about. Well she goes on that she is one of those people that are very sensitive to loss and had she known what it was about she wouldn't have read. WELL STOP READING AT THE FIRST SENTENCE THEN!!!! UGH. She then goes on to give an "etiquette" lesson about how we should always post "Loss Mentioned" in the title. Okay, I understand that, but the way she said it just rubbed me the wrong way.

I do understand that people get nervous about loss and pregnancy. But you know what?!?!?! IT IS A NATURAL THING THAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES. Okay, maybe not natural, but it happens, and I shouldn't have to NOT talk about my baby because it makes you nervous. Just don't read the stupid thread! And heaven forbid that something should happen to her baby, wouldn't you rather know that there are women that have been there before and can offer love, support and guidance?

I just hate that people feel I shouldn't talk about Kelsi and what happened because they don't want to think that babies actually do die. Yes, I know it is easier to not think about, but it does happen and it is awful. And for some of us, the way to handle it and cope is to tell people about it. I especially like to share my story so that they know what preeclampsia can do. They know that it is serious and to watch out for the signs and symptoms. I was so naive with my pregnancy with Kelsi. Even though I had had preeclampsia with the first, I had no idea what it could actually do. I remember at 16 weeks during an ultrasound they found that I had a placental defect that was allowing a lot of blood to leak and it was showing up in her amniotic fluid. Blood that ultimately left me with a high Rh Antibody that can be life threatening for the baby I am now carrying. I remember she was tiny, only in the 25th percentile. They told me that day that things might still go very badly. I didn't believe them because that just doesn't happen. I only have healthy babies. How could I have anything but that?

Garth and I were talking last night and out of no where he asked if I was scared. I am scared. What am I scared of? I am frightened of the Rh Antibody. I am frightened of preeclampsia again. I absolutely hate the idea of another c-section. My recovery from the last one was awful!!!! Even before I left the hospital things were rough in terms of getting my systems back together and going. They actually had to keep me for an extra day because of it. Even though the chances are slight, I am afraid to not make it through with my life. Am I being irrational? Perhaps, but you have to remember, I have now known several women that didn't live through this, not just lose their babies.

Other than the fact that I am really sick with this little one, I still haven't wrapped my head around all of this. I can't picture my life with another child. I have felt like there is someone missing. In the weeks prior to the pregnancy, I would look in the back seat to see who was missing, but both my girls were there. So I know this is right. I just hope we both live to enjoy each other. But I still can't picture another one here. I don't know if it is just because my emotional walls are so high or because it was something we weren't planning, or what.

I hate it when people tell me that everything will be fine. They always told me that with Kelsi too and things were certainly not fine. I hope things will be fine with this baby, but until I see it, I am afraid I won't believe it. Having all the faith in the world won't help either. I had all the faith in the world with Kelsi and we still lost her. So it just doesn't help when people tell me to be positive or have faith. It only makes me want to slap the person that is saying it. :) HAHAHA

Okay, enough of my ranting. I actually have to get a few things done before I go back up and hold down the couch this morning. :)

Friday, July 9, 2010

2:00 am and where are you????

Well, instead of being in bed sound asleep, I am obviously on my computer. I woke up at 12:00 midnight (didn't get to bed until 11:00.) I couldn't fall back to sleep. I hate that. I have been very fortunate so far in that I haven't had that urge to go to the bathroom a million times throughout the day and night like I have with my previous pregnancies, but tonight, it all seems to have kicked in and is making up for lost time. I got up and also got a piece of bread and butter in hopes of settling my stomach. But it didn't do a very good job. Finally at about 2:00 I got up and came downstairs to satisfy a craving of celery and v-8. Sadly, I am out of v-8. :(

So I had some celery with veggie dip and peppermint tea. I am not so confident I will be able to keep it all down much longer. You know, tossing your tummy contents wouldn't be so bad if it tasted as good as it did going down.

I had a doctor's appointment today. I am nearly 9 weeks along (IS THAT ALL?!?!?!?!) and the nurse attempted to use the Doppler to hear the heartbeat. Well, as I am not a thin person, I knew it was futile. That was actually good because the doctor really wanted to have the heart rate, so I got an ultrasound. WOOHOO. You know, I am sicker than a dog right now, so you would think that would be a pretty darn good indicator that things are progressing. But my heart was still racing as I was laying there and they began the hunt for the little peanut in my belly. At first I didn't see the heartbeat and my heart jumped up into my throat. But then, I saw it. That beautiful little flicker. And this week, you could actually see the head. I am pretty sure I could even make out one of the eyes. :) YAY!

Kate, my almost 4-year-old was with me and she was pretty confused by the fuzzy little picture on the screen. She kept asking where the baby was. Poor thing, she was pretty excited to see the baby. Perhaps one of these times she will be able to recognize it a little bit better.

For now, things are looking good. My Rh-antibody came back positive with a 1:32 ratio. That is actually 1/2 of what it was at the end of my pregnancy with Kate. I asked if it was normal for it to go down like that. He explained that it is kind of like some of the conditions that have flare ups. It can actually go away, but when you become exposed to it again then it can shoot up really high, really fast. Still, the ratio is higher than 1:8 (which I knew it would be) so he said I must stay stateside. So no trips to China or Indonesia for me. :( I asked about going to Texas in September for a job interview for my hubby and he said he didn't want to take away all my fun and said it would be fine. :) HAHA He laughed and said, well, at least in Texas if you order rattlesnake, then you know you are going to get rattle snake. We then talked about some of the other interesting dishes we ate while in Indonesia.

I go back in 3 weeks for the Nuchal testing. I am trying really hard to be relaxed and calm through this pregnancy. I really am, but I have to say that even though I will always opt for ALL testing possible, they still make me nervous. So many people opt out of testing because of that, but had I opted out of some of those tests in my prior pregnancies, we would have missed so much that we weren't even looking for. I want to know EVERYTHING that is going on in my pregnancies, especially if there are complications or defects. It won't change anything regarding whether or not to have the baby, because I will have the baby and love it regardless. But at least I will be prepared.

Today, I was sitting in the waiting room and had the opportunity to talk with another expectant mom. I wish I had given her my card with my contact information because we actually kind of clicked and I would have liked to keep in touch with her. She lost her second child as well. He was born a month early, but did okay for a while. He passed away 3 months later. We never really got into why as I got called in to my appointment. Sometimes it would just be nice to have another mom around that I could physically get together with that really understands. Perhaps I will call the doctor's office tomorrow and ask if they will give her my information. Don't know if they will or not, but it is always worth a shot.

My doctor gave me some new prenatal vitamins to try out that are supposed to help with the nausea and tossing of the tummy contents. I hope they work. Even my husband is surprised at how much more difficult this one is compared to the previous three. I guess this vitamin has a higher dose of B vitamins. But I am already on extra B vitamins, so my hopes aren't exactly high.

Well, it is 3:00 am. Perhaps I will go back to bed and see if I can actually sleep. Something tells me I will have a very difficult time getting up in 3 hours to go to the pool. Not so sure I will make it. Dang it! I didn't make it today either. :( BOO!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Chilling Thought

Okay, so I am actually sitting at my computer again. Such a rare thing to happen in the last couple of weeks. I was talking with my husband earlier tonight about the pregnancies I have had. With my first two pregnancies I have had preeclampsia. The first time wasn't severe and it was at 37 weeks. The second time however, as you may already know, was much more severe and so much earlier.

I have always been grateful for the day we live in now with all the medical advances. So many people say that it just isn't right, with all the advances that we still lose babies and mothers, which I agree with, but at the same time, I am so glad for the advances we do have. I had never really thought about it, but had I lived not even 100 years ago, I would have been one of those mothers that would have died during the pregnancy. It still sends a chill down my spine when I think about it.

I asked my husband if he had been worried about me when we were going through all of that. He certainly kept a pretty cool head while it was all happening. He was the one that took my blood pressure the morning after Christmas and it was 170/110. He said that at that moment he was actually pretty scared. He was a 3rd year med student at the time and knew what those blood pressures were capable of, especially in pregnancy.

I think it would be hard to watch a spouse go through this. I know my parents had a very difficult time. They were watching both their daughter and grand daughter fight for their lives. I try not to think about it too much, but it does frighten me to be pregnant again. Most of the complications we had with Kelsi were flukes, but she caused a couple of others that are possibly life threatening to this new little one. It frightens me to think of the complications that, while not exactly likely, but still more possible than other pregnant women, that could take my life. It certainly puts a different perspective on things now and how I live my life. I don't get as upset over some of the little things....although, with the raging hormones, I must say that I am getting upset over the stupidest things just now. Hopefully that will calm down a bit soon.

I just hope this baby is healthy and survives. Because I can pretty much guarantee that it is the last child that will be born of my loins. Have I mentioned how much I simply HATE the first trimester? :) I can't wait for the second trimester and the all day sickness to go away. Then life will be much better. But for now, I am going to go back up and hold down the couch. I am not quite so confident for tonight's dinner however.

Mother Goose

Sorry to be so long in getting back to posting. I have been so sick with this little one. While it is a good thing (at least I hope it is) It has really kicked me to the curb. All I can say is that this little one had better survive, because it is the last one that will be born of my loins. :) I also haven't posted because I don't really have anything to post about. All I have done for the past 2 weeks is lay on the couch and pray that I keep my food down. This is by far the worst All-Day-Sickness I have ever had. I didn't want to just come on here and complain, so I figured I wouldn't post anything at all. Beats nothing but complaints, right? :)

There are a couple of gaggles of geese right close to my house. One is in my neighborhood and the other is on my way to the swimming pool. One of the things that I have noticed is that when I drive by and they are out feeding, you can certainly tell which is the mother. You can tell by the size, but the babies are quickly getting to the size of the mom, but you can also tell because all the babies have their heads down pecking the ground and the mother goose has her head straight up and looking around. She is so alert and attentive. It is really funny to see. The gaggle towards the pool has at least 3 families of geese. I say that because there will be a whole bunch of them eating and three straight necks. :)

It got me to thinking about how we watch out for our children. We have passes to a local lake here and when I meet up with a friend of mine, she will rarely hold a conversation while looking at you. Her head is always turning this way and that as she is continuously counting heads.

We were planning a trip to Indonesia in September this year, but of course plans changed and we have had to cancel them. We went last year and took our oldest with us. I remember being nervous because when you go to a foreign country, you never know what you are going to be dealing with. I always made sure that Riley was within my view and got nervous if she left it. While I am sad that we aren't going this fall, I am somewhat relieved at the same time because this time around we would have also taken our 4-year-old. She is generally pretty good at staying close by, but being a typical 3/4-year-old, there are times where she gets interested in something else.

I remember, as a kid, being lost in a department or grocery store. The fear and panic that runs through to your stomach. I have been so fortunate to have not lost my children in that manner.

Tomorrow I have my second prenatal visit with the doctor. I am hoping to hear or see the heartbeat again. I hate the first trimester where you just feel like crap but can't feel anything to make sure things are going okay. Well, I just hate the first trimester with a passion anyway. :)

I will post an update to my appointment when I get back.

Have a good day everyone!