Now that I am expecting again, I have joined an expecting club on-line. I have done this with the last three pregnancies and typically found it pretty helpful and fun as you can really gripe about all the good and bad things that accompany a pregnancy. Well, sad as it is, losses are a part of pregnancy. True, it doesn't happen to everyone...thank goodness for that too. But There was a thread started on the board by another mom that has lost a child. She called it PAL's (Pregnant after a Loss) She started it as a place for those of us that have lost children to talk and support each other. She started the thread by saying what the thread was about and hoped that it would be okay and people wouldn't mind having it there.
So this thread has been there for a few days. There are three of us that have had later term pregnancies (like 20+ weeks) and we have all shared our stories with each other and offered our support to each other. That is great! Well Yesterday there was a girl that posted on the thread getting all upset how she didn't know what PAL's was, so she clicked on it to see what it was about. Now, keep in mind, the first sentence says what the whole thing is about. Well she goes on that she is one of those people that are very sensitive to loss and had she known what it was about she wouldn't have read. WELL STOP READING AT THE FIRST SENTENCE THEN!!!! UGH. She then goes on to give an "etiquette" lesson about how we should always post "Loss Mentioned" in the title. Okay, I understand that, but the way she said it just rubbed me the wrong way.
I do understand that people get nervous about loss and pregnancy. But you know what?!?!?! IT IS A NATURAL THING THAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES. Okay, maybe not natural, but it happens, and I shouldn't have to NOT talk about my baby because it makes you nervous. Just don't read the stupid thread! And heaven forbid that something should happen to her baby, wouldn't you rather know that there are women that have been there before and can offer love, support and guidance?
I just hate that people feel I shouldn't talk about Kelsi and what happened because they don't want to think that babies actually do die. Yes, I know it is easier to not think about, but it does happen and it is awful. And for some of us, the way to handle it and cope is to tell people about it. I especially like to share my story so that they know what preeclampsia can do. They know that it is serious and to watch out for the signs and symptoms. I was so naive with my pregnancy with Kelsi. Even though I had had preeclampsia with the first, I had no idea what it could actually do. I remember at 16 weeks during an ultrasound they found that I had a placental defect that was allowing a lot of blood to leak and it was showing up in her amniotic fluid. Blood that ultimately left me with a high Rh Antibody that can be life threatening for the baby I am now carrying. I remember she was tiny, only in the 25th percentile. They told me that day that things might still go very badly. I didn't believe them because that just doesn't happen. I only have healthy babies. How could I have anything but that?
Garth and I were talking last night and out of no where he asked if I was scared. I am scared. What am I scared of? I am frightened of the Rh Antibody. I am frightened of preeclampsia again. I absolutely hate the idea of another c-section. My recovery from the last one was awful!!!! Even before I left the hospital things were rough in terms of getting my systems back together and going. They actually had to keep me for an extra day because of it. Even though the chances are slight, I am afraid to not make it through with my life. Am I being irrational? Perhaps, but you have to remember, I have now known several women that didn't live through this, not just lose their babies.
Other than the fact that I am really sick with this little one, I still haven't wrapped my head around all of this. I can't picture my life with another child. I have felt like there is someone missing. In the weeks prior to the pregnancy, I would look in the back seat to see who was missing, but both my girls were there. So I know this is right. I just hope we both live to enjoy each other. But I still can't picture another one here. I don't know if it is just because my emotional walls are so high or because it was something we weren't planning, or what.
I hate it when people tell me that everything will be fine. They always told me that with Kelsi too and things were certainly not fine. I hope things will be fine with this baby, but until I see it, I am afraid I won't believe it. Having all the faith in the world won't help either. I had all the faith in the world with Kelsi and we still lost her. So it just doesn't help when people tell me to be positive or have faith. It only makes me want to slap the person that is saying it. :) HAHAHA
Okay, enough of my ranting. I actually have to get a few things done before I go back up and hold down the couch this morning. :)