Sunday, November 21, 2010

I need a break

Well, I was really looking forward to going to church today and just spending some restful time listening  to uplifting messages that I was hoping would bring me some calm and peace. Instead, I had an AWFUL morning. As I was getting up and getting going I noticed that little Kiari wasn't moving. I tried EVERYTHING. I pushed, I poked, I sat and laid in different positions, drank and ate, all in the hopes of SOMETHING. But i got NOTHING. I was mortified.

I worked on this for about 45 minutes this morning just to make sure I wasn't missing something and hoping that she was just sleeping. Last night she moved a little, but it wasn't up to her normal active movements. They were, once again, quiet and softer than what I know she is capable of and normally does. I received the first of the steroid shots to help mature her lungs in the event of a premature birth. Those can also slow the baby down a little, so I didn't think a whole lot of the decreased movements from last night. But boy did I this morning.

So I was there just crying and trying to get her to move. I swear I just about had a heart attack. I am only 28 weeks along and this is most certainly my last pregnancy. There is no way I can do another pregnancy, physically or mentally. I don't know how I would handle things if I lost her now. Oh the horrible things that went through my mind. It really sucks to be Pregnant after a Loss.

I called my doctor just sobbing and told him what was going on, and as I knew he would, he sent me in to Labor and Deliver. Problem.... Garth was at work. So I called him and he headed straight home. Luckily he works only about 20 minutes away. In the meantime, I had called about 6 different people to see if they could watch my girls. And of course, it being early on a Sunday morning, nobody answered, that only added to my panic. Finally I got a hold of my next door neighbor and she came and got my girls. Shortly after that Garth arrived and we headed to the hospital. He got us there quite quickly. what a good man! :)

The drive was excruciating. I have been down this path and was freaking out that I might have to travel it once again. I was thinking about what we would need to do to get a little casket. How would we get her to our burial plot in Utah. would Garth be able to take the time off to come out there for that? Could I really handle this again. All the time I am trying to elicit some movement from her and got nothing. Even just thinking about this morning makes me all teary.

Garth dropped me off at the front of the hospital and went to park the car. As I sat at the registration desk I finally felt the smallest of bumps against my belly button. HOPE!!!!!

They got me back to the room and hooked me up and right away found her beautiful little heartbeat. I just cried. And true to form, just like turning on a camera, Little Kiari began to dance. I felt stupid, but so relived all at the same time. The movements are there, but they aren't what they were, and that still has me a bit concerned. I was monitored for about 3 hours. It was longer than was needed, but I had to wait until noon to get the second steroid shot to help mature her lungs. I was just fine sitting there listening to her beating heart.  I am just so grateful that she is still inside of me growing and moving, albeit however small the movements right now.

They were able to finally get the results checking the level of protein I am spilling and it is elevated as well. They like people to be under 150 and I am currently 247. It is still under the 300 limit for preeclampsia, but I hate the direction it is taking. I have been following my blood sugar levels as well and I am not doing too well in that department either. Even when I ate a meal that should have been just fine left me with a sugar level 50 points over what it should be. HOW DISCOURAGING.  I just feel like I am fighting an uphill battle and I am scared. I mean, how much more can I take? I guess it could be so much worse. I could be laying in a hospital tonight with an empty tummy and empty arms. So I will gladly take what is being handed to me for now, but I am doing it with a lot of tears. My faith isn't as strong as it has been in the past and that isn't helping things out either. I am so grateful for all the prayers and faith out there for Kiari and me right now. This could be so much worse and perhaps those prayers and faith are what are making this pregnancy still go relatively well, even with all the complications.

I have a doctors appointment again tomorrow and I think I might just ask, once again, about that medically induced coma. ;)

Sorry for the little vent, but I HAD to get it out. And I figured it is my blog and the perfect place to do it. And you don't really have to read it if you don't want to. However, if you made it this far, it is too late. ;)


  1. Your strength amazes me each and every day. Kiari will be a strong little fighter - she's already shown she wants to come join us in this wonderful world of ours. She knows she has a mom and dad, sisters, and a whole lot of family and friends who already love her to bits.
    Hang in there, baby - you too, mom!

  2. God bless you girl. You are so strong. I admire you so much. Continued prayers.

  3. Melissa, how I would like to be close to you just now and give you the biggest hug ever! I totally understand your anxiety and fear with a pregnancy subsequent to a loss, I have been there too.

    Quite frankly, when I was pregnant with my wonderful son (who turned 19 yesterday), I'm sure I must have seemed totally hysteric at times!

    I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers. Just take it easy Mom, With all those prayers and good vibes, I'm sure that little Fruitloops will be just fine! :-)

  4. You are such an amazing woman and mom ... your strength through all of this has been awe-inspiring. I hope it was OK ... but during the time in our fellowship for "joys and concerns" today, I lit a candle for you, and asked that people send good thoughts, and love, and light your way. If prayers count for anything, you and Kiari are swimming in them right now.

  5. Go ahead and vent away - sounds like a scary and upsetting morning. But what a praise report that she's moving and her heart is strong. I am praying for you and that your levels all stay right where they're supposed to be, and that you are able to get plenty of rest and not be anxious. God has that little one right where she needs to be - and you too. Hang in there.

    Sending hope and encouragement your way!


  6. Oh Melissa, you have been through so much and you are doing a great job keeping little Kiari safe. Stay positive but NEVER let anyone tell you you are being histerical, if you hadn't followed your instincts and demanded that they check on her you could have lost her, you know best what is going on with your body. ((HUGS))