Saturday, November 6, 2010

Today, how is today? Hmmmmm

Well, after my little emotional break down the other day, I do actually feel somewhat better emotionally. Although, I did find out that I made a miscalculation. And I am not entirely sure how I did that. I guess I was just trying to get further along than I am. I am 26 weeks today. I had said that I want to get at least 3 more weeks until I hit 30. Nope, I have 4 more weeks to go. :) I sure hope I can eek out 4 more weeks.

When I made my doctor's appointment for next week I asked if we could just schedule a bunch of them since I knew I was going to be there every week. And quite honestly, you get the better appointment times if you schedule them out further. If not, you are stuck with whatever is left over. I hate that, because then they are always at the end of the day and you end up waiting forever! UGH! oh well. But I digress, the whole point of this was that they wouldn't let me schedule out more than one because they weren't confident that I wasn't going to be headed into the hospital. That actually took me off guard. I tried to act all normal and just laugh about it and say, yup, I told you I was a fun one. But inside, my stomach plummeted, because deep down, I know they are right. I don't think I am going to be able to skirt hospital bedrest this time.

Where does that leave me? We don't have any family that lives around here. While my friends have been great for stepping in and bringing meals and taking my girls, how much can you honestly burden these people? I mean, I am not due for another 14 weeks, 3 whole months. Ok, granted, even the doctor knows I won't deliver past 36 weeks, but that is still 10 weeks from now.

I wish I could just be one of those people that can spit babies out. You get pregnant and you just know that 9 months later you will have a baby. Oh the innocence of ignorance. Sigh.

My 4-year-old seems pretty oblivious to all that is going on. That is actually somewhat helpful. She knows that the baby is "sick" and needs a little bit of help to get better. But it is heartbreaking to watch my 10-year-old. She was there when Kelsi was born. She remembers it all. We had her in the room with us when we had removed Kelsi from live support and she then passed away as we held her together.

Riley has done a great job at putting on a brave face, but I know she is anxious. One of her coping mechanisms is an upset stomach that leads to vomiting, and she has been doing that again. It is so hard to watch. I have been talking with her about her feelings and fears. I wish I could just say, "oh honey, everything is going to be okay." Oh, how I wish I could say that. But I can't. I am trying so hard to believe it, particularly now that I am dealing with pre-term labor on top of all the transfusion stuff.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if God is punishing me for things that I have done or not done, but I know He doesn't work like that. People say that "everything happens for a reason." (One of my MOST hated phrases in this world.) But I think that sometimes, things just happen. We are then left to decide how to deal with that.

I do have to say that I feel differently about this pregnancy than the one I had with Kelsi. I have even allowed myself to venture into the baby sections. I have bought a crib and am getting her room ready. So now I hope. I don't know what else to do. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I have FAITH that everything will be okay. I did that once and it still didn't turn out the way I thought was "okay." :) But I do have hope. It is just a little daunting at the moment.


  1. Oh, Melissa ... I wish I could fly out there and help! It seems like a long road ahead, but hope is a good thing to hold on to ... and I feel like you're in good, competent hands when it comes to your doctors. Deep breaths. One day at a time. If prayer works like I think it does, you have the universe's most competent healers looking after you right now.

  2. Hang in there lovely lady. I'm rooting for you. You can do it! 4 more weeks... I'm counting down.

  3. I clicked over from A Half Baked Life to read your story. You and your whole family are in my prayers.