Thursday, November 4, 2010

Not sure how I feel today

Well, today I should have been happily off on an airplane with my husband to the Mile High City of Denver, Colorado. Instead I spent the morning nauseous and jittery from the Terbutaline my doctor has put me on to help stop the contractions that I have been having. I also got to drink the most fabulously flavored glucose crapola they make poor pregnant women drink for the glucose tolerance test in testing for gestational diabetes. I can honestly say that if it comes back positive I WILL have a nervous breakdown. I cannot handle one more little thing with this pregnancy. I am already on pins and needles between the whole transfusion and added to that the pre-term labor and bedrest.

I know I am tired but I have just been trying my hardest to hold back all my tears and frustration since my husband left without me for our trip. I miss him and I am scared to have him gone for so long. Even though he is only gone for a week, I hate that he isn't here with me during this time. My little stinker of a baby is not helping things out either as she still isn't moving very much. I miss having her be so active. At least when she was active I could be certain that she was alive. I know that is so morose, but when you have been through what I have been through, it is a thought that frequents the mind.

It is so hard to be so helpless. I am used to being able to do everything. It is so hard to have to depend so much on other people. I have the best friends and students in the world. They have been bringing in meals, helping out with my girls and such. It is a relief to have them, but at the same time it is really hard to accept their help, particularly when I need so much. I am just really having a hard time today keeping my chin up. Everyone loves to say that "everything will be okay," but quite honestly, it is really hard to believe that. I hate it when they say that too, because nobody really knows.

I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday. I love that man. I asked him about what this does to our goal delivery date. He said it definitely moves it up. He would like to see me get to 36 weeks. So would I, quite honestly, but I also think that this is a pipe dream. One good thing that we did note is that the hydrops have greatly reduced. She hardly had any fluid around her heart and brain. There was still a bit in her abdomen but even that has gone down considerably. Now, if only I could get her active again....

As I laid in bed last night all jittery and feeling awful from the contraction stopping drugs, I just prayed that I make it until Garth gets home next week. I would really like to get to 30 weeks. That is just 3 more weeks to go. Once I get to 30, then I will set another goal, but I want to get to 30. Please let me get to 30. I hate this so much. I am so scared.

I will be returning to Ohio State Med Center next week for the next transfusion. After this one, I will do the remainder here in Akron. I am not looking forward to doing this transfusion without my husband, but again, it is just the walk that has to be walked, even if it does suck. And it really does suck. :( My dad flies in on Monday and my mom and brother will follow suit on Wednesday. It will be so nice to have some family around.

Okay, I am going to go and hold my couch down and try to hold myself together.


  1. Melissa, I am sending you hugs and all sorts of pp&ts right now. I am so sorry that you are going through this and know how these rough days can be so, well . . . rough and emotionally intense. Sending many prayers your way.

  2. I'm having my little girl send *your* little girl a reminder to start kicking around in there again. Maybe the peer pressure will help. :)

    It's completely OK to rely on others right now ... you have a HUGE job to do to take care of yourself and that little life, and expecting yourself to do everything else would be crazy. I'm glad that you have enough loved ones to help you out!

    I am worrying for you, but also holding on to hope for you.

  3. Melissa~ Don't hold it all in. That is suffocating. Let your feelings out, you are under so much stress. I'm so glad your dad is coming - Reiki Master - yes? Let him help you and your baby. It is an incredible gift that he has. Let it work with your regular physicians. You are incredible, and you have so many who are here to help you because we love you, girl. You are not in this alone - let go.

    I can take you on Monday if you haven't found another ride.

  4. Beanie I just want to cry with you. I wish so much that you weren't going through this. It breaks my hear that not only are you going through this, but that we are so far apart, that I can't be there to help you and to listen. I am just glad that there are people there who are taking such good care of you. The fact that they are there for you is a testament to what a wonderful person you are. You are so loved and cared for.

    I pray that everything will be okay. I am praying so hard for you and my sweet little niece.

    I love you loads and loads. If you ever just want to talk and cry, call me. I promise not to ask questions or give assvice. I will just listen and comfort in any way I can.

    Hang in there Beanie, the most comforting person we know will be there in a few days. :)

  5. Just wanted to let you know you are in my heart and prayers. I am here from your sisters blog and am now following you too.

  6. I am so sorry this has been so hard and scary. I don't have much to say, but I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you. Sending hugs. xo.