|My sweet Kelsi the day after she was born at 24 weeks. 13 oz 8 1/2" long|
|When I reached in, she took a hold of my finger and squeezed|
Every year I sit in my hospital room in my head and relive the events from the last week of my sweet Kelsi's life. It is still so fresh and is hard to believe it happened "years" ago now. I have a journal that I wrote shortly after she passed away. I wanted to remember as much as I could about all the events that happened. Each year I read this at this time of year. Some people think I am nuts, but this is her week and it is all I have left of her. Even if all I feel is the pain of the week, at least I have something to feel. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Tomorrow is the day that I learned that she was not doing well and I would most likely be having a baby that week. Thursday is the morning that she was born, and Saturday is the day that we said goodbye. I am sure I will have more posts about this this week as I go through the emotions and memories once again.
|My hand was almost as big as she was|
|Saying good bye to a sweet tiny angel|
This year is bitter sweet. As I spent my hours last night in the NICU with my new miracle that is thriving beyond everyone's hopes and dreams, the thoughts of my previous NICU experience came flooding back. It is such a different experience this time around. While it is going unbelievably well, it is still hard. I have had a baby, yet, I do not have a baby. I have to drive across town to visit this beautiful little child that looks like my husband and daughters. She responds to my voice and holds my hand and cuddles into my neck where she falls into a deep sleep. This is a child that I love to pieces, yet, I return home and there are hints of a baby, but yet, no baby. It makes it all so surreal. I should be 33 weeks pregnant, not 3 weeks post partum.
|My favorite people in the whole wide world|
A full quarter of my pregnancy was taken from me too early. And it was the last one, and that is now permanent. There is such a sense of loss, and at the same time, there is no loss. It is so hard to resolve all the feelings and emotions. I am so grateful that I no longer have to deal with any of the complications that I was dealing with. My doctor says he is pretty certain that Preeclampsia was set in motion and was the next step. With the way things were going, it wouldn't have been a mild case. I am so grateful that Kiari and I didn't have to suffer through any of that this time around. I am so blessed. Hundreds of people said prayers on our behalf and just look at the beautiful result. It is simply amazing to watch as this child of mine continues to develop as she would have in the womb, only this time we get to watch the progress each day. She has already changed so much and has even gained a full pound. She now weighs in at 4 pounds 7 ounces.
|Kangaroo time with mom|
|Getting so big, yet still so small|
Today, my heart is heavy for the missed memories of Kelsi and the new loss of my friends baby and at the same time it is filled with hope and love for my sweet Kiari sitting in the hospital at this moment waiting for her mom to return and hold her for hours as she listens to the beating of my heart. Such a range of emotions.
|Just after a bath|
|Merry Christmas - This is a regular size stocking, not a large one. She is one of the only babies in the NICU that could actually fit into it. :)|